lets be best friends!

its been a month now since my miscarriage. i was sort of shocked at first on how i was handling it all. i didn’t really cry too much, i got up everyday and mostly continued with my daily routines. i’m not sure, it just seemed the opposite of how i thought i’d deal with the loss. looking back now, i’ve realized that must’ve been the shock. as a parent, my job is to help protect my children, to stay strong and thats sort of what was going through my mind (i can’t cry, not get out of bed, or be obviously sad in front of them).  sometimes i feel like if you say something over and over, you’ll just start to believe it. i told everyone that i was okay, because i wanted to be.

one morning the kids and i were sitting on the couch watching Blippi (yep, again). i got an automated alert saying i had new lab results on my patient portal. i logged in and saw about 15 different results, one specifically that read “tissue exam”. my heart stopped, my stomach dropped, i sort of blacked out. i opened it up and there my life literally changed forever. i had no idea they were sending it off for testing.

Interpretation it read, “A normal signal pattern for chromosomes 13, 15, 16, 18, 21,
22” . and “XY observed”. a boy. that was our baby boy.

i got off the couch and went into another room and sobbed. like actually let myself cry like i’ve never cried before. that’s when reality set in, and i actually felt the sadness i thought i should’ve felt from the beginning. i don’t really know why i thought i wasn’t allowed to be sad because i was “only 8 weeks along” or the fear that others would think i was being dramatic. or the guilt for feeling sad about my unborn fetus when others have gone through things way worse than this.

ben and i didn’t talk about it for a few days. he’s got to internalize and process things like this. where as i just want to talk about it to the world right away. we sat down one night and i asked him how he was doing. being a devoted member of the Catholic faith, he said he wanted to name him and have a “funeral” for him. so, we decided to let blue lanterns go for Talon. it brought him (and i) closure and to move forward with the possibility for trying again.

i’ve been asked if i’m glad that we saw these test results. yes and no. i always told myself that if i miscarried in the first trimester, that it was for a reason and most likely a chromosomal issue. well that wasn’t our case (at least not for any of the major trisomies that can be tested using the FISH test). part of me was so relieved because a chromosomal abnormality is a great fear of mine, it gave me positive hope for our next try. and the other part of me was like “WHY then? what happened, what did i do?” and although finding out the gender made it more real and definitely a lot harder, it also brought me a sense of peace. knowing that i’ll have a baby boy waiting for me in heaven. now we can celebrate him and always have a Christmas ornament with his name on it.

here are some photos from our sunrise session. Emily has known about this pregnancy from the very beginning, with all of the ups and downs. we had planned our announcement session and what the kids were going to wear. so i knew i wanted her to capture this for us. thank you, Emily, from the bottom of our hearts for these memories.

xoxo,

Lauren