that big plus sign. to some its the most frightening sight, and to others its the best time of their lives. being on our third and trying, it was probably one of the most exciting of the three pregnancies. so exciting that i took one in the chickfila bathroom JUST incase. still positive.

you see this was planned but i had just stopped birth control and was waiting on miss flow. she never came. every pregnancy i have always used the ovulation strips, and one day i got a smile (positive ovulation). the next few days they were smiles and i thought that was odd. i googled, “can a positive ovulation test be confused for a positive pregnancy test” and the short answer was, YES. not to mention my mood swings were like WHOAH (sort of scaring me), i was eating watermelon all day (i’ve never liked watermelon), and i was exhausted. that’s when i knew i was pregnant. insert: go buy 10 pregnancy tests so they can all tell me the exact same result: positive, pregnant.

72 hours of pure pregnancy bliss. until that one morning i started bleeding. i couldn’t believe it. i went to the walk in ER across the street from where i was staying and had blood work done all coming back positive. HCG 7,000. sac in my uterus but “somewhat atypical in size”. was told it may be too early to tell. go back 48 hours later. HCG 12,000, was told that is should double. (i know this, thanks) was told go back next week. 13,000. not good.

meanwhile i’ve been bleeding on and off. its an emotional roller coaster. i just wanted answers after this 2 week ordeal. why is this happening and what did i do. i also realized i’ve got extremely bad PTSD from Tate and his diagnoses. i had no idea but the words “atypical” and “abnormal” sent me into a mess of anxiety. i remember telling the ER doctor, “i know you don’t understand but i need you to elaborate with your words when you say abnormal because my son was born without a hand and that’s what they told me.” (sorry doc)

sept 4^th i had my first appointment with my new OB. i went solo because i already knew what they were going to tell me. i knew that they’d see nothing on ultrasound and i’d leave there with a diagnosis of a miscarriage. i was ready and prepared. but, the exact opposite happened. there was a baby measuring 6 weeks, 2 days and a heart beat of 103. she wanted to see me back the next week just to make sure the baby was indeed growing.

sept 12^th i had my follow up. there was a baby measuring a week bigger and a heart rate of 145. congratulations mrs. mulloy, i am so happy for you! i’ll see you back in 3 weeks….

finally! it was officially official, after weeks of waiting and wondering.

sept 16^th. a day i’ll never forget. after bleeding heavily throughout the day, i was told to go in to the ER to be evaluated. it just got worse and worse until it happened. i passed our baby on the hospital bed and i placed him/her in a specimen cup.  i looked over at ben and said, “that’s our baby in there.” they rolled me to ultrasound and an hour later the doc came in and confirmed our new reality.

miscarriage. its something you hear a lot. but something you take for granted when it hasn’t happened to you. “oh, it’ll never happen to me.” just like most things in life. infertility, stillborn, SIDS, etc.  so f***ing unfair.

this has given me a new perspective on things. i have never experienced what its like to walk by a baby store or a maternity store or a pregnant belly and feel sadness and heartbreak. but today i did. and i thought about the women who have done this for months and years. its like when you want a new car and you see it everywhere on the road. same thing, baby stores, maternity clothes, pregnant women, newborn babies, its everywhere you look. i put myself in the shoes of those that struggle on a daily, monthly, yearly basis. and my. heart. broke.

i remember sitting at a table one day with girls that i barely knew talking about having a third child. not really “wanting to right now” but wanting to “get it over with” so they can be so close in age. NOT knowing that a couple of girls at that table struggled for years and currently ARE struggling with infertility and miscarriages. it legit breaks my heart to this day knowing that my words may have crushed them. even the question: “so when are you going to have kids?” is crushing, because perhaps they’ve actually been trying for years.

i guess my point to this whole blog is this: be thankful- i am so thankful for my two healthy children and if God has only planned for me to have Tenley and Tate then i am beautifully blessed with that. be mindful of the company you are in- you never know what a stranger might be struggling with behind closed doors. and pray for those who struggle. i hear you, i pray for you and know you are not alone, i hope those who are not as open find comfort in reading this.

as for us, my husband put it wonderfully, “we have a special surprise waiting for us in heaven.”

 

xoxo,

Lauren